One of my Georgia Peaches thought this might make a good blog topic. I have to agree. It seems so appropriate considering the past few days. I saw myself through the eyes of my friends. Does that make sense? Let me explain. There has been a lot of drama flying around lately, and I keep getting blamed for it. I tried to avoid it, I tried to not get involved in it, but there I was. I was getting blasted for everything I said, everything I didn't say, everything I might have said, and everything it never even occurred to me to say. By today I had reached the limit of my very limited tolerance and decided that before I went to bed tonight, I was going to find, and kill, the drama llama. With extreme prejudice if necessary. Turns out it was necessary.
I talked to two people who had developed issues with me lately, just to get the story on WHY. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted all the facts. Not snarky emails, or self serving text messages. Just plain and simple tell me what the hell went on. Sadly, one person showed that he felt I deserved this by his hateful attitude to answering that simple request. He had the nerve to act put upon for me asking. He is so important and so busy and nothing could possibly be more important than what he is doing. But I still got my answers. All of them. The second person was at least civil, if not bordering on kind. But the belief that I was the bad guy still lingered with her as well. And it all led to the third party.
We spoke today, the third party and I, and after she finished accusing me of things which, once again, I did not do, had no knowledge of, and no part in, I decided it was high time to defend myself. Which I did, with the aforementioned extreme prejudice. The shoppers of Dollar General will never be the same, and I bet I get written up, if not fired, over it. But damn, enough is enough already. I got her point of view on why I was such a wicked person, told her what my part in her dilemma REALLY was, and continued to ferret out the truth. Stay with me, because I have to get REALLY convoluted and get on my soapbox here for a minute.
If you think that drinking yourself into a slobbering stupor hurts no one but you, and you don't feel any pain, then think again. Two friends were talking about all the tension lately, and speculating amongst themselves. A private conversation such as friends have all the time. Only one friend hurt the other when, in a drunken oblivion, he talked about the private conversation in a public way. Then, blamed me for the conversation to protect the other. And, I would be willing to bet my last dollar, promptly forgot all about it in the pursuit of even more alcohol. Talk about opening a can of worms.
Apologies were made today. Sadly, somehow, they will never understand it was the wrong apology. What hurts is that everyone was so ready to believe that I was guilty, they didn't stop to think I may be the one geting hurt. It never once occurred to anyone that I didn't do all they accused me of. The apology came after the fact, an "I'm sorry I accused you" apology, but not an "I'm sorry that I can't help having such a low opinion of you that I never stopped to think you might be innocent" apology. So yes, I have seen myself through my friends eyes. And it wasn't pretty.
Worse yet are the ones who will never even attempt an apology, believing themselves nnocent of any wrongdoing. They sat back and watched others villify me, and said nothing to defend me. When I tried to get to the bottom of it all, they got mad that I was bothering them with more drama. It didn't matter that I was trying to STOP the drama, or defend myself in any way. I was told today that sometimes silence is golden. That is true enough. And sometimes, just sometimes, it screams louder than the loudest noise. It says "You aren't important. You aren't worth the time it would take me to help you. I'm far too busy to be your friend. And I just don't want to be bothered."
How does this tie in to the title of this post, you ask? Simple. If you sling shit about someone, you may as well face the fact that you are going to get some of it on your hands. Nobody can find the clean end of the turd. Once the shit starts flying, everybody is going to get a little bit on them. Regardless of how mad, important, innocent, passive, or vindictive someone is, they are going to get a little of it on them. And this kind of shit doesn't wash off. It creates a permanent stain that stays with you forever.
I found the end of the drama today, and found peace with myself. I love, even now, the people that hurt me lately. But I love myself just a little bit more. And so I remove myself from the equation. I have a magic girl-bubble around me. I can disappear in plain sight. I will miss my friends, but knowing how they see me, I hope it will pass. Somebody else gets to try and find that clean end. I know it just doesn't exist.
No comments:
Post a Comment