Bless your heart!

As any woman in the south knows, saying "bless your heart" is not a sweet southern sentiment. It can be used to cover a plethora of topics, and its use is always a polite way to say something really scathing. Check out some of the many possible uses of this quaint southern-fried way of saying FUCK OFF!

Scenario #1. You are dumb enough to go to work and tell your co-workers that you have some sort of cooter funk. A co-worker responds to your tale of woe with "Bless your heart!" This co-worker is not feeling sympathy for you in any shape, form, or fashion. What she is really saying is...
"Holy hell in a bucket. It's not bad enough that I have to get up at the fucking ass crack of dawn, come to this paralyzingly tedious job, pretend to be perky all day, and bring home a paycheck that makes welfare look appealing. Oh hell no. I also have to listen to this mattress-backed dimwit discuss cooter cheese which she probably picked up in some skanky dive bar with some even skankier dive man. Serves her slut ass right. I hope like hell she uses the fucking bathroom down the hall. Dear God in heaven, please make her shut the fuck up before I try and staple her lips shut!"

Scenario #2. You cheat on your wife with a woman, dump her, go back to the wife who leaves you for the pool boy. You have nothing left except a crust of bread and 2 mismatched socks. Your favorite Auntie listens to you cry about it and responds "Well, bless your heart!" What she is really saying is...
There is no way this fucking idiot can be related to me. What the fuck was my sister thinking? I TOLD that bitch she should have swallowed! And just why on the hell does he think he has room to complain anyway? I bet he'd have a heart attack if he knew I tipped off his wife about his girlfriend, sent the pool boy to his house, and paid the first 6 months on the condo lease for them to run away and move into. What a fucking idiot. I guess now I better to get to the ex-girlfriend before he does too. This motherfucker does not need to procreate!"

Scenario #3.You lay out of work 3 out of 5 days a week, and then complain that you are so broke you can't afford to buy food or pay bills. Your boss say "Bless your heart!" The words you don't hear...
"Well just what the fuck did you expect, you slacker? Gazing at the big star in the east ain't gonna bail your sorry ass out of this, and neither am I. You had the time and energy to lay out, getting drunk, partying and whatever else in the hell useless people like you do. Meanwhile, we were all here, working our asses off to cover our jobs AND yours. Sucks a big dick that you are broke, but you need to quit your fucking bitching. I've never actually killed anyone with a staple remover or a hole puncher, but I am by God about to try!"

And that is just the tip of a big ass iceberg of southern colloquialisms designed to sound charming and quaint while actually saying fuck off and die. You think that's bad, one of these days I will break down just exactly what "Oh my goodness" means!

Bless your hearts!!